Ask Erin Anything! – Rape & Consent


In lieu of this week’s column, I thought I’d go rogue (if that’s possible on one’s own blog) and give some unsolicited advice.

Don’t rape. Ask for consent. If it’s not given, then don’t rape. If the other person can’t talk or is unresponsive, assume the answer is NO. Don’t rape.

I receive lots of questions from men about pleasing a woman in bed, giving her an orgasm, or how to be “better” at sex. These are excellent questions and the pleasure of your partner during sex is a topic of great importance to me.

However, the most pleasing thing you can do for your potential sexual partner, regardless of gender, is get consent. Be absolutely sure they want it. This doesn’t have to be mechanical or dry. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. If things heat up nicely, chances are the other person will be wanting it, even begging for it. This part of foreplay can just be super sexy consent.

Oh and also, if the other person says, “Stop,” then stop. (Unless you’re involved in some sort of ravishment roleplay, in which case I hope you have some sort of safe word. But really I’m referring to vanilla sex here.)

As a society, we’re now realizing rape can’t continue & that it’s a serious offense against humanity. We must continue to talk about it so it doesn’t continue to be ignored, condoned, or justified like it has in the past.

The reason we talk about it so much is because it happens so much. It still happens. Every fucking day. Why? It’s not because of alcohol, or clothing, or being sexual, or drugs. It happens because there are people who rape. These people haven’t been taught not to rape or what defines consent. It still happens so we still talk about it.

Men can be raped too, although women are raped much more frequently.

What can you do? Well, first of all, don’t rape. Talk about it. If you’ve been assaulted, report it. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the others who may be protected because you spoke up. Talk to someone. Listen if someone tells you they’ve been hurt. Don’t ignore or condone, or rationalize it.

A part of being sexually healthy is consent. Inform yourself and respect others.

I love you all,

Erin 💖

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Ask Erin Anything! – Female orgasm during intercourse

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Hey Erin!
I love sex, every position, anytime, anywhere … period. It always feels good but it drives me crazy that I can’t orgasm every time!!! I have been with multiple men all different sizes and I still deal with the issue of only being able to cum when I’m on top! I feel like I need that pressure that only I can make happen. I would love to be able to come being eaten out or in any position!! I do masturbate but it’s rare that I can get myself off. I’ve tried vibrators and everything. It drives me insane when it feels sooo good, but I just can’t get there – HELP!!

Sincerely,
Hot and bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,
First of all, let’s bask in the fact that you can come during intercourse period! The clit orgasm that you describe can be an elusive little fucker, so revel in the fact you are able to experience it!
Second, you say in order to come, you need pressure that you are in control of. This is not a bad thing at all! Owning and being in control of your own orgasms is not only sexy and empowering, but it is essential in maintaining a healthy sex life. When we give the power of our orgasms to our sexual partner(s), we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Let me say this again for those in the back. Do not blame your partner if you are unable to achieve orgasm during sex. Really, you shouldn’t blame yourself either, but you do have the ability and control over your own body in order to reach climax. Deva Logan and I talk about this in Episode 4 of my podcast. You can also never blame yourself for your male partner not being able to get or keep an erection. There are many physiological, mental, and emotional reasons why a man may not be able to hold an erection and none of them have to do with you, how sexy you are, or how you look.
So, back to you. You really want to orgasm in other ways besides grinding on your man while you’re on top. Okay, I get it. So you are into tribadism: the act of rubbing your vulva and clit against something for pleasure and to achieve orgasm. Excellent! This is my favorite way to get off, as well! No need to apologize. Your body responds to this well, so use it. First, I would try flipping over, with the guy on top, communicating with him that you’d like to be more in control, and see if you can come this way. You can also set yourself up a little grinding altar while you get fucked from behind – pillows and blankets, perhaps?
I understand the frustration of not being able to come whenever and however you want to (like guys can!), so try out those different techniques and see how they work. That said, remember that sex doesn’t have to be just about orgasm! You are deriving lots of pleasure from your sexual experiences and after you orgasm, that pleasure usually ends. So, savor all the little pleasurable moments while you can and use your climax for its intended purpose – a finishing moment and another tool in your pleasure box.

Happy cumming!
Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Ask Erin Anything! – Socks During Sex?

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(And YES – all the questions featured in this advice column are actual, real questions!)

Erin, does socks on make better sex?
                            – Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

This is a pretty subjective question, but I’ll answer to the best of my ability. The short answer is no, having socks on doesn’t make for better sex. Another possible short answer is, it depends on the situation.

A part of having good sex is getting in good positions. Some of these positions require decent leverage on the part of both partners. For example, sometimes I like to press my foot against the wall so I have some support as I hold myself up. I have been known to use bunk beds and doorways and couches for much the same reason. All of this leverage is dependent on how well my feet can hang onto the chosen platform. Socks make this leverage much more difficult. This is true for both partners, regardless of gender. Whoever is doing the giving, the penetrating, or otherwise needs some support too.

That said, sometimes feet can get cold, but unless you’re going to only engage in the missionary position, doggie style, or basic cowgirl, I suggest on just taking those socks off in order to have better sex! Cold feet are a small price to pay for good sex.

Now, if you’re asking about a sex life that needs to be livened and spiced up, and wondering if the simple act of taking off your socks will make it better…it’s a definite nope. If your sex life has become so mundane and routine that the act of taking your socks off sounds revolutionary, then by all means, try it and let me know! Who knows? It may lead to bigger and better changes in your sexcapades. Today, the socks go off. Tomorrow, it’s an orgy!

Anybody have any fun sexy sock stories you want to share?

Love y’all! Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

 

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep 4: Sex, Orgasms, & Sacred Pleasure

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Hello, my curious loves!

Last week, I had the honor of talking to fellow sex coach Deva Logan (pronounced like diva!) and we had the best candid, vulgar, enlightening conversation about her work, spiritual & personal growth, taking your orgasms back, and empowering others in their personal sexual journeys. Among, many other things!

Deva is a sex positive, dating, love, and relationship coach who helps people embrace their freedom! She works with men and women, helping them use sex and love as an avenue to trigger life changes!

Listen to a clip of our conversation:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

Connect with Deva:
Website: www.devalogan.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/devaloganvxngoddess/ https://www.facebook.com/DevaLogan
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deva_thevixengoddess/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/deva_vxngoddess

As survivors of abuse, Deva and I have also started a Facebook group for women who are in abusive relationships or who are out and not only surviving, but THRIVING! Join us at The Surviving and Thriving Sisterhood.

Resources talked about in the show:

The History of Sex = documentary on sex
Movie – The Kama Sutra
Memoirs of a Geisha

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

Ask Erin Anything! – Defining the Relationship

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Hey Erin,
Can I ask you’re opinion on something? Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?

I met a guy and we instantly hit it off very naturally, like nothing I’ve experienced before. Add too much wine and in the moment I had no self control. It was beyond amazing. We had 3 more dates, which were awesome. Then he canceled the 4th. Said he was scared because he could possibly love me already and he isn’t ready for it, just out of a relationship and said let’s take time for him to get his act together. And be in a better place to deserve someone like me.

About 2 months passed by an he messaged me to apologize and say he never stopped thinking of me, missed me. So I met him to catch up over a glass of wine at his place. I thought again, if have better self control, I held out until the very end of the night and then the chemistry over took me. We had great great great sex again.  It was overall a great night of talking, cuddling, then sex, cuddling. I left in the morning and he said let’s get together soon.

Then I hardly hear from him the past couple weeks. We almost had a date again but it had to be cancelled due to his work. Again, hardly hear from him. I messaged him and told him I was a bit confused, etc. He said he is into me but had a busy schedule. Now he finally invites me to hang out again but again wanted to chill at his place.

I don’t want it to be about just sex. I really like him, so I said well how about we eat together then go from there. He said that sounded great. But my thing is I want to feel more sure that he likes me for more than sex, and get to know him better. But I’m not sure how to go about telling him I don’t want to have sex again until we know each other better. I trust he won’t flee again and likes me for me. It‘s a struggle because I love sex and intimacy, but in a way I’m mad at sex right now.

I have horrible self control with it but I really don’t want to feel like I’m desired for looks and sex.

– Seduced by Sex

Sexy Seductress!!!

Okay, so your initial question was “Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?”

I believe the short answer is that YES you can, with lots of communication! If you’re communicating adequately, the other person shouldn’t be confused. If they are, clarify. If you’re not sure exactly what it is you need and want, say that. Say you want to explore the options. If they get upset, that is THEIR shit. You can’t own that. You can make your needs and requests known, but they’re not required to comply.

But I think the deeper issue here is with yourself. You are at odds with your sexuality and your sex appeal and seductive powers as a woman. You may not know how to marry your emotional needs with your sexual needs. Girl, I’m still navigating this territory too, so I understand a little where you’re coming from. As a confident, sexy woman, you do want to be desired for your looks, body, and sex, so don’t deny that! But maybe it’s not the only thing you want to be desired for.

It’s okay to want sex AND emotional fulfillment from the same person. It’s beautiful and good and healthy to want a functional, fulfilling relationship with someone who stimulates you emotionally and mentally, but also knows how to fuck you well.
With any potential partner, in that transition phase of deciding whether or not the relationship will progress, there’s really no way of knowing the other person’s exact intentions or thoughts or feelings. BUT if you don’t feel like you’re getting all your needs met already, you have to discern and decide how to go about communicating your needs and asking the other person if they are willing to comply or at least give it a try.

At the same time, make sure your subconscious and your conscious are communicating with each other, too. Carolyn Elliott says that “Having is evidence of wanting.” If you think your are only being desired for your looks, a big part of you wants that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting our body to be adored and worshiped! However, you can reexamine your subconscious beliefs to see how they align with what is occurring in your waking life. Hypnosis, meditation, and Theta healing are excellent for accessing the subconscious mind.

Above all, make the decision not to settle. Be patient. Be loving. Go with the flow. Reach out to this guy and open your heart to tell him you want to try to not have sex and maybe date a little. Be honest. How he reacts will be all you need to know. He may just want sex. But whatever he decides has nothing to do with you. It’s all about him and where he’s at. You want someone who can meet you at the level and the place you’re at.

I wish you lots of great sex and love!
Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Santa’s not real, but Magic is

I have never really been very into Christmas, and although I’ve never perpetuated my children’s beliefs in Santa, I didn’t hinder them either.

A few years ago, when Gianna was 8, I remember asking her if she believed in Santa and she shrugged and said, “Not really,” but I could tell there was a glimmer of hope in her eye.

I replied, “Well, you know he’s not real.” 

I’ve pretty much always told my children this. Not in a malicious way of course, but more matter-of-fact. I may be judged for this and that’s fine. I feel comfortable with my parenting.

Gianna was thoughtful for a moment and then posed a question that came from a very contemplative place, “How do you know he’s not real, Mom? Can you know for sure?”

She was challenging me and of course I had to say, “No, Gigi, I don’t know for sure that he’s not real.”

Now that she’s 11, Gianna still challenges me when I tell her Santa is not real.

However, even though I don’t talk about the mythical Santa Claus to her, I encourage her to entertain the fantastical through stories of other magical creatures in books and from my own imagination.

I don’t tell her that magic is real, but encourage her to take the same approach with these possibilities as she does with Santa. How do we know magic doesn’t exist? We don’t. I like to live my life imagining magic and miracles are real and encourage my children to do the same. I won’t ever tell them what to believe, but instead invite them to discern what they believe from their own experiences.
I’m proud for raising a child who is both realistic and inquisitive, who can entertain the magical and challenge the norm.

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep3: Spirituality, Relationships, & Sacred Masculinity

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Episode 3 of the Curious C*nt is now available to stream on my Patreon page!

In this episode, Justin Blackburn and I chat about a lot of different, unconventional thoughts on spirituality. We also discuss intimacy, porn, conscious relationships, emotions from a male perspective, and sacred masculinity.

This was such a fun conversation with an aware, awake, but super down-to-earth guy. I love connecting with fellow writers and seekers. If you or someone you know would be a good fit for my podcast, shoot me a message!

Here’s a clip of the episode where Justin reads an excerpt from his novel “The Bisexual Christian Suburban Failure Enlightening Bipolar Blues”:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

You can connect with Justin here:
Website: justinblackburnwrites.com
Facebook: facebook.com/justinblackburnjoy
IG: instagram.com/yogapoetcomedianveganlifecoach/

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

Ask Erin Anything! – Anal Sex, Part 2

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Erin,
     I still have some questions about anal sex. If you don’t do an enema or take a shit beforehand, if he thrusts too hard, can poop come out?
     In a pinch, can you do it without lube?
     I want to do it, but I’m kinda “scared” to. Maybe apprehensive is the better term.
     Also, will anal sex over time loosen your anus muscles and you can lose control of your bowels?
                                                                     Thanks! – Apprehensive About Anal

Dear Apprehensive,

These are all excellent questions!

Thank you for reading my first in-depth post about anal, where I address the basics of trying anal for the first time.

There’s always a chance feces may come out during anal sex, but honestly the chances are pretty small. Usually it’s not a problem if you’re eating well and drinking lots of water, no matter when you decide to have anal sex. If you don’t feel completely empty, maybe wait a bit or try another time. In the beginning, the feeling of having some foreign object in that part of your body can trigger cramps or make it seem like you need to poop, but eventually you’ll be able to tell the difference.

In my opinion, it’s never ideal to have anal sex without lube. Always have lube around! But since you asked, yes, in a pinch you CAN have anal penetration without lube. Spit can work just as well and shower sex helps too. If you don’t have access to lube, use spit before anything else. Don’t put some random goo inside your body.

I personally wouldn’t make it a habit to have anal sex without lube, because rough, dry sex can cause all sorts of discomfort and pain. It can cause tears and bleeding. While these things are minor and inconvenient, they cannot cause permanent loosening of your anus muscles nor will pleasurable anal sex cause bowel incontinence directly. Since we’re on the subject, a lot of sex won’t make your vagina loose either. This article is pretty informative on the subject: A Primer on What Sex Does (And Doesn’t) Do To Your Vagina and Butthole.

Always aim for pleasure from any kind of sex. If it doesn’t feel good physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, why are you engaging in it? You’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to. Don’t ever let a partner pressure you into something.

If you need more guidance, refer back to my initial post about anal, or shoot me a message at leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line.

Keep your butt and your heart happy!
Erin

Ask Erin Anything! is published here every Monday. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep2: Menstruation (Moon Cycles), Astrology, & Sacred Nudity

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Episode 2 of the Curious C*nt is now available to stream on my Patreon page!

Sabrina Ourania is an international women’s retreat leader, yoga teacher, shamanic astrologer, and creator of Goddess Alchemist (website launching this week!).

In this episode, Sabrina and I talk about her coaching work with women which includes working with astrology, goddess archetypes, and moon cycles (menstruation). She shares about her life, practices, and how she began to consume her menstrual blood as a healing practice!

We also talk a little bit about her views and philosophies on astrology, her recent nude road trip, and many other interesting topics!

Here’s the first 8 minutes of the podcast to give you a little taste:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

You can also connect with and learn more about Sabrina here:
Website: goddessalchemist.com/
Facebook: facebook.com/GoddessAlchemist
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/goddess_alchemist

Ask Erin Anything – Communication & LDR

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Hi Erin,

I have been in a great amazing friendship with someone on FB for the last 9 months. It’s long distance – I am located in Chicago & she’s in Connecticut. We have been exchanging ideas comments & concerns with each other no matter what time of day it is. I want to get to a deeper level with her. I want to ask her out but at the same time, I want to keep it just neutral until she’s more ready. What are your thoughts about this?

Thank you!

Eager and Excited in Chicago

Dear Eager,

Intellectual stimulation and connection is a beautiful thing! It sounds like you’ve really gotten to know this person inside and out and shared lots of intimate parts of your life with her. It’s hard to become mentally intimate with someone and not want that physical intimacy, too.

I also love that you are taking her feelings and thoughts into account. You say she might not be ready right now. There might be some things in her life that need to be wrapped up before she can become more involved with you, or maybe she’s apprehensive about the distance. Either way, I think you already have the right attitude regarding this situation. You recognize the importance of her autonomy and choice.

That said, you still have to be true to yourself and your feelings by communicating to her how you feel! No matter what, tell yourself that you don’t mind what happens! If she says no or maybe or reacts in a less than ideal way, then you’ve adequately prepared yourself to hear her completely independent choice. Don’t take anything personally!

When you share your thoughts, be completely honest. Don’t hold back. People respond well to vulnerability. Show her you care deeply for her and want to take another step in your relationship, whatever that means. Be willing to make compromises.Tell her you’re not asking for a life-long commitment. You just want the chance to meet her face to face.

Defining and redefining relationships is essential. With relationships, we have two people who are separate entities with needs and wants all their own. These must be communicated consistently in order for both parties to continue to be satisfied.

So, in conclusion, I suggest:
1. Telling your friend how you feel and what you desire, openly and honestly.
2. Allow her space to respond in the way and the time she requires.
3. Define or redefine the relationship together.
4. If she doesn’t agree to wanting to meet, ask her if she might be willing to reconsider after some time. Don’t ever be pushy!

I wish you both much happiness and continued intimacy and connection.
Thank you for your thoughtful attitude and question!
Erin

Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line.
Ask Erin Anything is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.