Ask Erin Anything! – Rape & Consent


In lieu of this week’s column, I thought I’d go rogue (if that’s possible on one’s own blog) and give some unsolicited advice.

Don’t rape. Ask for consent. If it’s not given, then don’t rape. If the other person can’t talk or is unresponsive, assume the answer is NO. Don’t rape.

I receive lots of questions from men about pleasing a woman in bed, giving her an orgasm, or how to be “better” at sex. These are excellent questions and the pleasure of your partner during sex is a topic of great importance to me.

However, the most pleasing thing you can do for your potential sexual partner, regardless of gender, is get consent. Be absolutely sure they want it. This doesn’t have to be mechanical or dry. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. If things heat up nicely, chances are the other person will be wanting it, even begging for it. This part of foreplay can just be super sexy consent.

Oh and also, if the other person says, “Stop,” then stop. (Unless you’re involved in some sort of ravishment roleplay, in which case I hope you have some sort of safe word. But really I’m referring to vanilla sex here.)

As a society, we’re now realizing rape can’t continue & that it’s a serious offense against humanity. We must continue to talk about it so it doesn’t continue to be ignored, condoned, or justified like it has in the past.

The reason we talk about it so much is because it happens so much. It still happens. Every fucking day. Why? It’s not because of alcohol, or clothing, or being sexual, or drugs. It happens because there are people who rape. These people haven’t been taught not to rape or what defines consent. It still happens so we still talk about it.

Men can be raped too, although women are raped much more frequently.

What can you do? Well, first of all, don’t rape. Talk about it. If you’ve been assaulted, report it. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the others who may be protected because you spoke up. Talk to someone. Listen if someone tells you they’ve been hurt. Don’t ignore or condone, or rationalize it.

A part of being sexually healthy is consent. Inform yourself and respect others.

I love you all,

Erin 💖

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Ask Erin Anything! – Female orgasm during intercourse

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Hey Erin!
I love sex, every position, anytime, anywhere … period. It always feels good but it drives me crazy that I can’t orgasm every time!!! I have been with multiple men all different sizes and I still deal with the issue of only being able to cum when I’m on top! I feel like I need that pressure that only I can make happen. I would love to be able to come being eaten out or in any position!! I do masturbate but it’s rare that I can get myself off. I’ve tried vibrators and everything. It drives me insane when it feels sooo good, but I just can’t get there – HELP!!

Sincerely,
Hot and bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,
First of all, let’s bask in the fact that you can come during intercourse period! The clit orgasm that you describe can be an elusive little fucker, so revel in the fact you are able to experience it!
Second, you say in order to come, you need pressure that you are in control of. This is not a bad thing at all! Owning and being in control of your own orgasms is not only sexy and empowering, but it is essential in maintaining a healthy sex life. When we give the power of our orgasms to our sexual partner(s), we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Let me say this again for those in the back. Do not blame your partner if you are unable to achieve orgasm during sex. Really, you shouldn’t blame yourself either, but you do have the ability and control over your own body in order to reach climax. Deva Logan and I talk about this in Episode 4 of my podcast. You can also never blame yourself for your male partner not being able to get or keep an erection. There are many physiological, mental, and emotional reasons why a man may not be able to hold an erection and none of them have to do with you, how sexy you are, or how you look.
So, back to you. You really want to orgasm in other ways besides grinding on your man while you’re on top. Okay, I get it. So you are into tribadism: the act of rubbing your vulva and clit against something for pleasure and to achieve orgasm. Excellent! This is my favorite way to get off, as well! No need to apologize. Your body responds to this well, so use it. First, I would try flipping over, with the guy on top, communicating with him that you’d like to be more in control, and see if you can come this way. You can also set yourself up a little grinding altar while you get fucked from behind – pillows and blankets, perhaps?
I understand the frustration of not being able to come whenever and however you want to (like guys can!), so try out those different techniques and see how they work. That said, remember that sex doesn’t have to be just about orgasm! You are deriving lots of pleasure from your sexual experiences and after you orgasm, that pleasure usually ends. So, savor all the little pleasurable moments while you can and use your climax for its intended purpose – a finishing moment and another tool in your pleasure box.

Happy cumming!
Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep 4: Sex, Orgasms, & Sacred Pleasure

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Hello, my curious loves!

Last week, I had the honor of talking to fellow sex coach Deva Logan (pronounced like diva!) and we had the best candid, vulgar, enlightening conversation about her work, spiritual & personal growth, taking your orgasms back, and empowering others in their personal sexual journeys. Among, many other things!

Deva is a sex positive, dating, love, and relationship coach who helps people embrace their freedom! She works with men and women, helping them use sex and love as an avenue to trigger life changes!

Listen to a clip of our conversation:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

Connect with Deva:
Website: www.devalogan.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/devaloganvxngoddess/ https://www.facebook.com/DevaLogan
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deva_thevixengoddess/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/deva_vxngoddess

As survivors of abuse, Deva and I have also started a Facebook group for women who are in abusive relationships or who are out and not only surviving, but THRIVING! Join us at The Surviving and Thriving Sisterhood.

Resources talked about in the show:

The History of Sex = documentary on sex
Movie – The Kama Sutra
Memoirs of a Geisha

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

Ask Erin Anything! – Defining the Relationship

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Hey Erin,
Can I ask you’re opinion on something? Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?

I met a guy and we instantly hit it off very naturally, like nothing I’ve experienced before. Add too much wine and in the moment I had no self control. It was beyond amazing. We had 3 more dates, which were awesome. Then he canceled the 4th. Said he was scared because he could possibly love me already and he isn’t ready for it, just out of a relationship and said let’s take time for him to get his act together. And be in a better place to deserve someone like me.

About 2 months passed by an he messaged me to apologize and say he never stopped thinking of me, missed me. So I met him to catch up over a glass of wine at his place. I thought again, if have better self control, I held out until the very end of the night and then the chemistry over took me. We had great great great sex again.  It was overall a great night of talking, cuddling, then sex, cuddling. I left in the morning and he said let’s get together soon.

Then I hardly hear from him the past couple weeks. We almost had a date again but it had to be cancelled due to his work. Again, hardly hear from him. I messaged him and told him I was a bit confused, etc. He said he is into me but had a busy schedule. Now he finally invites me to hang out again but again wanted to chill at his place.

I don’t want it to be about just sex. I really like him, so I said well how about we eat together then go from there. He said that sounded great. But my thing is I want to feel more sure that he likes me for more than sex, and get to know him better. But I’m not sure how to go about telling him I don’t want to have sex again until we know each other better. I trust he won’t flee again and likes me for me. It‘s a struggle because I love sex and intimacy, but in a way I’m mad at sex right now.

I have horrible self control with it but I really don’t want to feel like I’m desired for looks and sex.

– Seduced by Sex

Sexy Seductress!!!

Okay, so your initial question was “Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?”

I believe the short answer is that YES you can, with lots of communication! If you’re communicating adequately, the other person shouldn’t be confused. If they are, clarify. If you’re not sure exactly what it is you need and want, say that. Say you want to explore the options. If they get upset, that is THEIR shit. You can’t own that. You can make your needs and requests known, but they’re not required to comply.

But I think the deeper issue here is with yourself. You are at odds with your sexuality and your sex appeal and seductive powers as a woman. You may not know how to marry your emotional needs with your sexual needs. Girl, I’m still navigating this territory too, so I understand a little where you’re coming from. As a confident, sexy woman, you do want to be desired for your looks, body, and sex, so don’t deny that! But maybe it’s not the only thing you want to be desired for.

It’s okay to want sex AND emotional fulfillment from the same person. It’s beautiful and good and healthy to want a functional, fulfilling relationship with someone who stimulates you emotionally and mentally, but also knows how to fuck you well.
With any potential partner, in that transition phase of deciding whether or not the relationship will progress, there’s really no way of knowing the other person’s exact intentions or thoughts or feelings. BUT if you don’t feel like you’re getting all your needs met already, you have to discern and decide how to go about communicating your needs and asking the other person if they are willing to comply or at least give it a try.

At the same time, make sure your subconscious and your conscious are communicating with each other, too. Carolyn Elliott says that “Having is evidence of wanting.” If you think your are only being desired for your looks, a big part of you wants that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting our body to be adored and worshiped! However, you can reexamine your subconscious beliefs to see how they align with what is occurring in your waking life. Hypnosis, meditation, and Theta healing are excellent for accessing the subconscious mind.

Above all, make the decision not to settle. Be patient. Be loving. Go with the flow. Reach out to this guy and open your heart to tell him you want to try to not have sex and maybe date a little. Be honest. How he reacts will be all you need to know. He may just want sex. But whatever he decides has nothing to do with you. It’s all about him and where he’s at. You want someone who can meet you at the level and the place you’re at.

I wish you lots of great sex and love!
Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep3: Spirituality, Relationships, & Sacred Masculinity

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Episode 3 of the Curious C*nt is now available to stream on my Patreon page!

In this episode, Justin Blackburn and I chat about a lot of different, unconventional thoughts on spirituality. We also discuss intimacy, porn, conscious relationships, emotions from a male perspective, and sacred masculinity.

This was such a fun conversation with an aware, awake, but super down-to-earth guy. I love connecting with fellow writers and seekers. If you or someone you know would be a good fit for my podcast, shoot me a message!

Here’s a clip of the episode where Justin reads an excerpt from his novel “The Bisexual Christian Suburban Failure Enlightening Bipolar Blues”:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

You can connect with Justin here:
Website: justinblackburnwrites.com
Facebook: facebook.com/justinblackburnjoy
IG: instagram.com/yogapoetcomedianveganlifecoach/

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep2: Menstruation (Moon Cycles), Astrology, & Sacred Nudity

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Episode 2 of the Curious C*nt is now available to stream on my Patreon page!

Sabrina Ourania is an international women’s retreat leader, yoga teacher, shamanic astrologer, and creator of Goddess Alchemist (website launching this week!).

In this episode, Sabrina and I talk about her coaching work with women which includes working with astrology, goddess archetypes, and moon cycles (menstruation). She shares about her life, practices, and how she began to consume her menstrual blood as a healing practice!

We also talk a little bit about her views and philosophies on astrology, her recent nude road trip, and many other interesting topics!

Here’s the first 8 minutes of the podcast to give you a little taste:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

You can also connect with and learn more about Sabrina here:
Website: goddessalchemist.com/
Facebook: facebook.com/GoddessAlchemist
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/goddess_alchemist

Curious C*nt Podcast – Ep1: Tantra, Healing, & Sacred Sex

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Episode 1 of the Curious C*nt is now available to stream on my Patreon page!

In this episode, Erika Susana Briones shares about her life, healing from sexual trauma, and how she helps others do the same. She shares her wisdom, sexual expression, and the importance of having a safe sex talk with your kids. We talk about sex education, awareness surrounding sexual health, and simple tools to enhance the human connection.

Our language is direct and NSFW. Use discretion around your kids (or at least, be willing to have a conversation with them afterwards!).

Here’s a clip to give you a little intro into Erika’s work:

Click here to stream the rest of this episode. On the right, click “Become a Patron.”

This video explains a little better what my podcast is about and what Patreon is:

You can connect with Erika here:

Website: www.sexysoulmatrix.org
SnapChat: SexySoulMatrix (where she gives a daily sex tip!)
Instagram: SexySoulMatrix

SexySoul Ladies (FB group for girls only): https://m.facebook.com/groups/1732540000356234?ref=bookmarks

SexySoulMatrix (FB group for all genders):
https://m.facebook.com/groups/1260990843926694?ref=bookmark

 

Embrace the Darkness

Holy SHIT the Sun in Scorpio never lies.

My astrologer Katie Sweetman says that astrology is like a clock to tell us what time it is. As a Sun Scorpio woman, I am intimate with the details of how Scorp energy affects the human psyche. It can be a difficult, intense energy. For the last week or so, the clock has told us it’s time to look at our darkness. This is sometimes reflected in others, so we think we’re dealing with the darkness of others. Don’t mistake this reflection as an image of them. It’s really our own darkness staring back at us to pinpoint where we’re stuck.

These next few days before the new moon on Sunday, if we want to transmute this difficult energy into something beneficial for our lives, we must embrace the truth about ourselves (no, not anyone else – the truth about US), face the ugly parts and paint them over with some striking colors. The more we look at our reflection with love and affection, the brighter the dark spots become.

It is in these dark places, where we can embrace ourselves completely. It’s in our embarrassing moments, the obsessive nature of our thoughts, the passion of our desires. Scorpio reveals that which we might be ashamed of. The external darkness eases the darkness within us. It softens the sharp edges. It’s like taking the image out of focus, allowing our eyes to adjust, and then, with new-found clarity, we can no longer turn a blind eye to our shameful behaviors.

Dear ones, please hear me, though, when I tell you: DO NOT be ashamed. Embrace your dark behaviors. For they are the truest thing about you. They balance the shining moments of selflessness. They allow you to survive and thrive. They make you fully human. To me, this is the highest form of art and self-love – to allow yourself to be fully human. To be human is to be light and dark simultaneously. If you were bright and shiny all the time, you would not be fully who you are. You would not be telling the truth.

So continue to embrace this truth of your humanity. Keep embracing this lovely, consuming darkness.

Wishing you all a productive Scorpio season,

Erin

 

 

Photo: Unsplash

 

Boys, please wake up. We need you.

Since I’ve been single, I have been consistently disgusted at the audacity of men who want to get laid and/or get attention from me.

Please, for the love of God, I am a HUMAN BEING. Just because I may like casual sex occasionally, does NOT mean that I won’t be discerning in who I pick to have sex with. Being sexually healthy means being able to say “yes” when I want to and “no” when it’s appropriate. When I say “no”, this is not an invitation to ask again in a different way. This is an opportunity to treat me like a human being and respect my autonomy.

And for those guys who want to just message and say “what’s up?”, that’s totally cool, but don’t be surprised if I don’t reply. It’s not that anything is wrong with you. It’s just that I don’t want to waste my time in endless, meaningless dialogue. If you want to know a little secret, try asking me a question about something I wrote or a picture I posted. Ask me about my favorite book, or what kind of video games I like to play. Treating me like an actual person who you want to have a conversation with seriously increases your chance for a response.

Oh and by the way, I hate that I have to clarify this, but in the event that I DO respond to you, this DOES NOT mean we’re going to hang out, and it certainly doesn’t mean we’re going to have sex. It means I have responded, and you can commence with the conversation. If what you need is merely to get off, then may I suggest masturbation and some good porn?

If it is sex you desire, can you explore that a bit first? Is it really just sex? Or is it real, genuine human connection? Is it conversation? Maybe someone to listen? Maybe you just need to be touched. Maybe you need a friend. Sex is a quick fix, but it’s not a permanent remedy for what really ails you. Sex can heal those broken layers, but you have to be willing to admit it first.

Guys, men, boys, please hear me. We love you. We need you. We need you to wake up. We need you to be present. We sure do spend a lot of time talking about how women matter and how as women, we are coming into our own. This doesn’t mean we forget about you. No, on the contrary, all of humanity is waiting for you to stand up and take your roles. I know it’s scary because we’ve kind of taken our feminine power back in the last few decades. I know you may feel a little diminished. But realize that your masculinity is exalted in this distinction with our awesome feminine glory. We complement one another. We need each other. Please, boys, I’m begging you. Wake the fuck up.

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Comic by Matt Northup

Staying Afloat in the Midst of Depression

Today I was depressed.

Right now, actually, as I type this, I feel pretty fucking terrible. I have told myself all the things a yoga teacher would say:

“It’ll get better tomorrow.”

“Meditate a little.”

“Do some breathing exercises. Get on your mat. Chant your mantras.”

“Do some Reiki on yourself. Use a mudra.”

In truth, I have done every single one of those things today and I still feel terrible. It doesn’t mean they don’t work. No, not at all. I’m human for fuck’s sake. I’m not a yoga robot that can flip a switch and a rainbow comes out my ass when I do downward-facing dog.

No.

I have feelings and I will feel them. I won’t wallow. I won’t allow them to drag me down to the depths never again to see the light. No, but I will, however, stop, pause, feel, and listen.

I’ll listen to my breathing. I’ll listen to the emotions that coming pouring out of me as I write. I’ll listen to the soft, still voice inside me that is barely audible saying, “I know you don’t feel the best right now, but you have a right to embrace yourself no matter how you feel. You deserve to be loved. You can cradle yourself without coddling yourself. Be gentle and kind. Tomorrow is another day.”

Doing my practices does not mean my life will be sunshine and butterflies every single day. Doing my practices means that I have a tangible way to get in touch with all the parts of me, including the human bits, the messiness, and the chaos. It allows me space to be not exactly okay. It gives me the tools I need to be able to sit with my pain.

I have never been the type to run from my pain. I don’t think this is a strength. It just is. I am the type to lean in and let consume me like a wildfire. It has burned me alive more than once. It is a hazy, lonely, unforgiving place to be. Running and escaping don’t do any good either. What if we could be in the middle, and just sit with it instead of leaning one way or the other?

This is where I am today. I feel utterly hopeless, depressed, and incredibly lonely, but I keep moving, keep feeling, keep writing. This is the cycle of human existence. Up and down, ebb and flow. And I, the singular leaf floating down the river of life, will continue to move with the currents.

 

 

 

Photo: Pexels