Can I ask you’re opinion on something? Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?
I met a guy and we instantly hit it off very naturally, like nothing I’ve experienced before. Add too much wine and in the moment I had no self control. It was beyond amazing. We had 3 more dates, which were awesome. Then he canceled the 4th. Said he was scared because he could possibly love me already and he isn’t ready for it, just out of a relationship and said let’s take time for him to get his act together. And be in a better place to deserve someone like me.
About 2 months passed by an he messaged me to apologize and say he never stopped thinking of me, missed me. So I met him to catch up over a glass of wine at his place. I thought again, if have better self control, I held out until the very end of the night and then the chemistry over took me. We had great great great sex again. It was overall a great night of talking, cuddling, then sex, cuddling. I left in the morning and he said let’s get together soon.
Then I hardly hear from him the past couple weeks. We almost had a date again but it had to be cancelled due to his work. Again, hardly hear from him. I messaged him and told him I was a bit confused, etc. He said he is into me but had a busy schedule. Now he finally invites me to hang out again but again wanted to chill at his place.
I don’t want it to be about just sex. I really like him, so I said well how about we eat together then go from there. He said that sounded great. But my thing is I want to feel more sure that he likes me for more than sex, and get to know him better. But I’m not sure how to go about telling him I don’t want to have sex again until we know each other better. I trust he won’t flee again and likes me for me. It‘s a struggle because I love sex and intimacy, but in a way I’m mad at sex right now.
I have horrible self control with it but I really don’t want to feel like I’m desired for looks and sex.
– Seduced by Sex
Okay, so your initial question was “Once you’ve had sex with someone you’re dating, can you go backwards and not have sex just until you really get to know each other better (without upsetting or confusing the other person)?”
I believe the short answer is that YES you can, with lots of communication! If you’re communicating adequately, the other person shouldn’t be confused. If they are, clarify. If you’re not sure exactly what it is you need and want, say that. Say you want to explore the options. If they get upset, that is THEIR shit. You can’t own that. You can make your needs and requests known, but they’re not required to comply.
But I think the deeper issue here is with yourself. You are at odds with your sexuality and your sex appeal and seductive powers as a woman. You may not know how to marry your emotional needs with your sexual needs. Girl, I’m still navigating this territory too, so I understand a little where you’re coming from. As a confident, sexy woman, you do want to be desired for your looks, body, and sex, so don’t deny that! But maybe it’s not the only thing you want to be desired for.
It’s okay to want sex AND emotional fulfillment from the same person. It’s beautiful and good and healthy to want a functional, fulfilling relationship with someone who stimulates you emotionally and mentally, but also knows how to fuck you well.
With any potential partner, in that transition phase of deciding whether or not the relationship will progress, there’s really no way of knowing the other person’s exact intentions or thoughts or feelings. BUT if you don’t feel like you’re getting all your needs met already, you have to discern and decide how to go about communicating your needs and asking the other person if they are willing to comply or at least give it a try.
At the same time, make sure your subconscious and your conscious are communicating with each other, too. Carolyn Elliott says that “Having is evidence of wanting.” If you think your are only being desired for your looks, a big part of you wants that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting our body to be adored and worshiped! However, you can reexamine your subconscious beliefs to see how they align with what is occurring in your waking life. Hypnosis, meditation, and Theta healing are excellent for accessing the subconscious mind.
Above all, make the decision not to settle. Be patient. Be loving. Go with the flow. Reach out to this guy and open your heart to tell him you want to try to not have sex and maybe date a little. Be honest. How he reacts will be all you need to know. He may just want sex. But whatever he decides has nothing to do with you. It’s all about him and where he’s at. You want someone who can meet you at the level and the place you’re at.
I wish you lots of great sex and love!
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