Ask Erin Anything! – Rape & Consent


In lieu of this week’s column, I thought I’d go rogue (if that’s possible on one’s own blog) and give some unsolicited advice.

Don’t rape. Ask for consent. If it’s not given, then don’t rape. If the other person can’t talk or is unresponsive, assume the answer is NO. Don’t rape.

I receive lots of questions from men about pleasing a woman in bed, giving her an orgasm, or how to be “better” at sex. These are excellent questions and the pleasure of your partner during sex is a topic of great importance to me.

However, the most pleasing thing you can do for your potential sexual partner, regardless of gender, is get consent. Be absolutely sure they want it. This doesn’t have to be mechanical or dry. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. If things heat up nicely, chances are the other person will be wanting it, even begging for it. This part of foreplay can just be super sexy consent.

Oh and also, if the other person says, “Stop,” then stop. (Unless you’re involved in some sort of ravishment roleplay, in which case I hope you have some sort of safe word. But really I’m referring to vanilla sex here.)

As a society, we’re now realizing rape can’t continue & that it’s a serious offense against humanity. We must continue to talk about it so it doesn’t continue to be ignored, condoned, or justified like it has in the past.

The reason we talk about it so much is because it happens so much. It still happens. Every fucking day. Why? It’s not because of alcohol, or clothing, or being sexual, or drugs. It happens because there are people who rape. These people haven’t been taught not to rape or what defines consent. It still happens so we still talk about it.

Men can be raped too, although women are raped much more frequently.

What can you do? Well, first of all, don’t rape. Talk about it. If you’ve been assaulted, report it. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the others who may be protected because you spoke up. Talk to someone. Listen if someone tells you they’ve been hurt. Don’t ignore or condone, or rationalize it.

A part of being sexually healthy is consent. Inform yourself and respect others.

I love you all,

Erin πŸ’–

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment, you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Ask Erin Anything! – Female orgasm during intercourse

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Hey Erin!
I love sex, every position, anytime, anywhere … period. It always feels good but it drives me crazy that I can’t orgasm every time!!! I have been with multiple men all different sizes and I still deal with the issue of only being able to cum when I’m on top! I feel like I need that pressure that only I can make happen. I would love to be able to come being eaten out or in any position!! I do masturbate but it’s rare that I can get myself off. I’ve tried vibrators and everything. It drives me insane when it feels sooo good, but I just can’t get there – HELP!!

Sincerely,
Hot and bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,
First of all,Β let’s bask in the fact that you can come during intercourse period! The clit orgasm that you describe can be an elusive little fucker, so revel in the fact you are able to experience it!
Second, you say in order to come, you need pressure that you are in control of. This is not a bad thing at all! Owning and being in control of your own orgasms is not only sexy and empowering, but it is essential in maintaining a healthy sex life. When we give the power of our orgasms to our sexual partner(s), we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Let me say this again for those in the back. Do not blame your partner if you are unable to achieve orgasm during sex. Really, you shouldn’t blame yourself either, but you do have the ability and control over your own body in order to reach climax. Deva Logan and I talk about this in Episode 4 of my podcast. You can also never blame yourself for your male partner not being able to get or keep an erection. There are many physiological, mental, and emotional reasons why a man may not be able to hold an erection and none of them have to do with you, how sexy you are, or how you look.
So, back to you. You really want to orgasm in other ways besides grinding on your man while you’re on top. Okay, I get it. So you are into tribadism: the act of rubbing your vulva and clit against something for pleasure and to achieve orgasm. Excellent! This is my favorite way to get off, as well! No need to apologize. Your body responds to this well, so use it. First, I would try flipping over, with the guy on top, communicating with him that you’d like to be more in control, and see if you can come this way. You can also set yourself up a little grinding altar while you get fucked from behind – pillows and blankets, perhaps?
I understand the frustration of not being able to come whenever and however you want to (like guys can!), so try out those different techniques and see how they work. That said, remember that sex doesn’t have to be just about orgasm! You are deriving lots of pleasure from your sexual experiences and after you orgasm, that pleasure usually ends. So, savor all the little pleasurable moments while you can and use your climax for its intended purpose – a finishing moment and another tool in your pleasure box.

Happy cumming!
Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment,Β you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.

Ask Erin Anything! – Socks During Sex?

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(And YES – all the questions featured in this advice column are actual, real questions!)

Erin, does socks on make better sex?
Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  – Cold Feet

Dear Cold Feet,

This is a pretty subjective question, but I’ll answer to the best of my ability. The short answer is no, having socks on doesn’t make for better sex. Another possible short answer is, it depends on the situation.

A part of having good sex is getting in good positions. Some of these positions require decentΒ leverage on the part of both partners. For example, sometimes I like to press my foot against the wall so I have some support as I hold myself up. I have been known to use bunk beds and doorways and couches for much the same reason. All of this leverage is dependent on how well my feet can hang onto the chosen platform. Socks make this leverage much more difficult. This is true for both partners, regardless of gender. Whoever is doing the giving, the penetrating, or otherwise needs some support too.

That said, sometimes feet can get cold, but unless you’re going to only engage in the missionary position, doggie style, or basic cowgirl, I suggest on just taking those socks off in order to have better sex! Cold feet are a small price to pay for good sex.

Now, if you’re asking about a sex life that needs to be livened and spiced up,Β and wondering if the simple act of taking off your socks will make it better…it’s a definite nope. If your sex life has become so mundane and routine that the act of taking your socks off sounds revolutionary, then by all means, try it and let me know! Who knows? It may lead to bigger and better changes in your sexcapades. Today, the socks go off. Tomorrow, it’s an orgy!

Anybody have any fun sexy sock stories you want to share?

Love y’all! Erin

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Want to submit a question? Send it to leslierins@gmail.com with Ask Erin Anything! in the subject line. Ask Erin Anything! is published every Monday here on erinroca.com. If you want to leave a comment,Β you may need to scroll up or down depending on your desktop or mobile device.