Ask Erin Anything – Communication & LDR


Hi Erin,

I have been in a great amazing friendship with someone on FB for the last 9 months. It’s long distance – I am located in Chicago & she’s in Connecticut. We have been exchanging ideas comments & concerns with each other no matter what time of day it is. I want to get to a deeper level with her. I want to ask her out but at the same time, I want to keep it just neutral until she’s more ready. What are your thoughts about this?

Thank you!

Eager and Excited in Chicago

Dear Eager,

Intellectual stimulation and connection is a beautiful thing! It sounds like you’ve really gotten to know this person inside and out and shared lots of intimate parts of your life with her. It’s hard to become mentally intimate with someone and not want that physical intimacy, too.

I also love that you are taking her feelings and thoughts into account. You say she might not be ready right now. There might be some things in her life that need to be wrapped up before she can become more involved with you, or maybe she’s apprehensive about the distance. Either way, I think you already have the right attitude regarding this situation. You recognize the importance of her autonomy and choice.

That said, you still have to be true to yourself and your feelings by communicating to her how you feel! No matter what, tell yourself that you don’t mind what happens! If she says no or maybe or reacts in a less than ideal way, then you’ve adequately prepared yourself to hear her completely independent choice. Don’t take anything personally!

When you share your thoughts, be completely honest. Don’t hold back. People respond well to vulnerability. Show her you care deeply for her and want to take another step in your relationship, whatever that means. Be willing to make compromises.Tell her you’re not asking for a life-long commitment. You just want the chance to meet her face to face.

Defining and redefining relationships is essential. With relationships, we have two people who are separate entities with needs and wants all their own. These must be communicated consistently in order for both parties to continue to be satisfied.

So, in conclusion, I suggest:
1. Telling your friend how you feel and what you desire, openly and honestly.
2. Allow her space to respond in the way and the time she requires.
3. Define or redefine the relationship together.
4. If she doesn’t agree to wanting to meet, ask her if she might be willing to reconsider after some time. Don’t ever be pushy!

I wish you both much happiness and continued intimacy and connection.
Thank you for your thoughtful attitude and question!

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